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something strange has happened to me   
09:02am 12/11/2014
   i have been going through a lot.  it sucks and is awesome. i dunno.
 i cant even talk about it.. i dunno. nobody will believe me. or tell me the truth.
behind closed lips i bleed   
01:35pm 12/08/2007

when we are tangled up and i feel like telling you i love you
i will bite my tongue. why spoil the moment with words
when you plan to fly away and i think i should protect myself
i will bite my tongue.  i would only be saving face.
i have already made up my mind, i want you
so i am not going to play a part
i will only do everything i can to be with you
including the hardest thing
i will bite my tongue

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02:26am 17/09/2005
  i dont like it when somone is a jerk to me and then tell me they care. i mean... your allowed to be an asshole to whoever you want. and you dont have to explain yourself and you dont have to talk about it or say your sorry. but if you do that.... you dont fucking care ok. its either one or the other. i can be a dick. but i am not a dick to people i care about. somtimes we cant help it and we are fucked up to even those we love. but if i am usually i dont mean it and im willing to talk about it. shit, i WANNA talk about it cause im fuckin sorry cause i care about you. thats what caring is. i didnt mean it and i actually care what you feel. call shit what it is, if you dont care you dont fucking care.

and if you care, dont be an asshole to people you care about. they dont like it.
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09:19am 18/07/2005
  we took a walk in the park until dusk. we stopped and kissed under the moon while bats flew over our heads. i am the prince of darkness and she is my princess.  
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07:42pm 04/07/2005
  knowing what you want is usually a peacful feeling... unless you know you cannot have it.

i am still not sure that that is the case. my situation at times seems hopeless, but i am a hopefull person even in times of hopelessness.

if you know what you want you cannot give up on it. even if there is no chance i have to be ready if a chance arises.
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03:36am 29/06/2005
  i met a girl and a love her. hi wendie  
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12:13am 27/05/2005
  i work at a gas station now. i think gas stations are pit stops of corruption. they sell you junk food, caffine, cigs, alchohol, fossil fuels, and the most evil of all, pre-packaged ham sandwiches.

i am a sell out

but its pretty funny

yesterday a big tough biker guy came in
he bought chapstick
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this movie is gonna rule   
01:54pm 13/03/2005
snorks are sexy   
12:42am 15/02/2005
  i am no longer a human.. i am a new breed of mammal!!!! a snork damnit!!

goldfish are just cheezits shaped like fish.

neckties are an arrow pointing to the penis.

beer is good.
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i am muther fuckin happy   
07:48pm 02/02/2005
  the dark cloud that has been following me around for the past year unexpectedly dumped honey on me and then floated off into the distance. it didn't even say goodbye. i thought it was odd and i just coninued on my way. i also noticed that when i looked up i could actually see the stars again. it has been a while. they looked the same as they did so long ago. it's nice to know something can stay the same for so long. i know i don't. everything smells sweet when you are covered in honey.  
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10:45pm 16/01/2005
  im comin back  
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11:24pm 31/12/2004
  in most of the world it is 2005, but not in california. here we are desperately anticipating the coming of the new year. will it change our lives forever? do we get a fresh start? oh how wonderful it would be to begin anew and live out all our dreams. we shall not waste another moment.

so are we the last people on the planet hanging on to the final thread of this dying year?


we are just standing on this part of the globe, thats all. a spinning globe. revolving around a fireball,
light so bright you cant look at it from 93 million miles away withought hurting your eyes.

california gets some pretty good exposure to it.
but anyway. its 30 minutes away from the fake new day.
the real new day is in your mind. depends on how much you believe it and how much you actually do it. every moment is a chance for a new year. a new day. a new moment. and a new life.

i could start right now at 11:30. dance around and celebrate.
but i wont. i will wait until i feel like it.
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don't talk to me   
12:39am 21/12/2004
  i am tired of people talking fast to me. if you are going to talk to me, talk in a medium to slow pace. when people are talking fast i don't think they are completly thinking through what they are saying. that is just a theory, but i know that it annoys the shit out of me. mostly, people who talk slow have more meaning with every word, i enjoy the talks, i walk away happy. people who talk fast, i just sit there and say nothing, i get nothing from the conversation, no enjoyment, no meaning, usually just a headache. jack your jaw somewhere else people.  
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02:42am 19/11/2004
  recently i saw a jesse ventura speakin against Arnold Schwarzenegger on a tv commercial. polotics stuff. cmon jessie, you guys were in predator and running man together. don't you remember the good ol days of being action stars. you probably sat around the water cooler and shared dieting secrets. i suggest you settle this with a ladder match.  
11:24pm 01/11/2004
  the problem with a good healthcare system is people live to fuckin long. mindless meat bags lying in bed drugged up and helpless. if they feel anything it is usually only pain. many of whom will stay like that for years. being kept alive because... thats just what we do. we dont ask questions. we just do our job. ribosomes are in your body synthesising protiens. but does the ribosome know why it does this? does it know it is doing this so you can go and get wasted on halloween and try to get laid? or so that you can go bullriding? the chloroplast traps light and makes sugar so that the shrub can sit there and look pretty. does the cloroplast know? i am a chloroplast.  
07:01am 16/10/2004
  i cried at the beach this morning. i guess i am emo.

i don't know what the point of life is. the things that i want to work the most always end up failing. life hurts. whats worse is that it't always my fault that i hurt. if i didn't hope for any outcome, then i would never be disapointed. i always hope.

it's pretty sad that i think i shouldn't hope. maybe dread is more of the problem. i dread things going wrong and then they do, because i hold on too tightly. the things i have control over are slipping away because i worry about the things i have no control over. i feel empty because i have no more lust for life, and i feel guilty because i am the one who let it slip away. when i am not empty i am filled with anger and agony because i live with an open heart and then people just take a slice of it and run away.

maybe i should let go of outcomes, become a nomad and roam the earth in orthopedic shoes. the only thing is, i want to be around people i care about while the sky is falling, while we all slowly die.

i realize that this is a pretty fucked up journal entry, but don't worry about me. writing about my feelings just helps me get them out a little faster so that i can move on from them. pain is a part of life and this is how i am expressing it, but joy is a bigger part of my life. figuring myself out will only help it be in my life even more. i will be over it in a few hours.

-love ken
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10:10am 28/09/2004
  we are getting the marraige annulled. i am pretty sad about it, but it is the right thing. we got married too soon and now we are just spending all our time doubting if we did the right thing. our relationship was so much happier before we were married because we just focused on the good stuff. we talked all the time and enjoyed eachothers company. afterwards we just worried about serious matters. i think its bad to be so serious all the time. i hope when we are back to being boyfriend and girlfriend we can be happy again. i miss that.

the whole thing was crazy but i was so happy to find somone as crazy as me. not only is she on the level with me, which is impossible to find, but she also has amazing and caring qualities. i hope we get married again some day.
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just married   
07:11pm 25/09/2004
  hi, im married.

i met my wife about a week ago on the beach in long beach at about midnight. there isn't a lot of waves in longbeach so the water is really still and beautiful. so it was a really nice place to meet my wife.... hey never mind that bum underneath the life guard tower.

her name is kim and she is full of life. she is going to be a chef. right now she goes to school for it. she kicks my ass but she takes care of me and patches up the wounds.

you should meet her.
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the war.   
10:00am 21/09/2004
  the debate on the war seems to be a toss-up. half of america is for it, half of america hates it.

the side that is for it says that we are protecting ourselves. ridding the world of bad guys. taking evil fat-heads out of power. restoring freedom! they probably had nuclear weapons, and if they didn't well..... they were scumbags anyways. and yea they have peace!(HA) and freedom!(HA HA!)

the side that is against it says that iraq had nothin to do with 911, no nukes, so what in the hell did they do to us anyways. and we are not making america any safer by making more terrorist looneys mad at us.

you wanna know what i say!? may the ken SPEAK!? i say you don't go to war when its 50/50. you dont fucking go to war when MAAAAYBE POOOOOSIBLY sombodys got nukes. that is fucking coward bullshit. you dont GO TO WAR because you dont agree with somones polotics. you only go to war when its clear cut, when its 100%, when everybody agrees that mutha-fuckas have got to die for their actions. WHAT THE FUCK DID IRAQ DO? YOU DON'T GIVE THE DEATH PENALTY FOR STEALING ORANGES!!!!! MUTHER FUCK!

anybody remember WW2? do you think there were any protests for that war??? practically the entire civilized world participated in that war. cause that was a REAL WAR. why do you think other countries didnt help us in iraq? CAUSE ITS FUCKIN STUPID. our president is a moron and if his dad wasnt smart and rich and powerful george w. would be the manager at burger king.

you can say sadam is a bad bad man cause he used chemical weapons like 20 years ago, but you can also say american is the worst country on earth cause we wiped out 2 major cities full of innocents 60 years ago. there are two sides to everything and you shouldnt just blow people up based on assumptions and mistakes and miscommunications.
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settle for senator   
03:14am 19/09/2004
  politicians are pawns. we vote them into office where they walk on eggshells, play by the party rules, and collect fat checks, rarely making any change for the better. while the checks might be meager for some because they are already rich business men, the job offers them a delusion of power. prestige they feel as others kiss thier asses. they are just scared and insecure, they need to feel powerful.

artists change the world. the designers who invented stylish looks in fasion that are now popular and now everyone wears it. they created the way people look and as you look around in public, you see thier vision. the guy who created the square with a triangle on top house. thats what all houses look like now. if houses were domes in florida all of them would still be standing now because domes are aerodynamic and wind wont do shit to them. but some designer came up with a stylish thing.squares with triangles on top. everyone loved it. he changed the world. everyone knows i love the bendy straw guy. he changed the world.

kids dont grow up saying they want to be a politician. they settle for senator.